Cutting Cords

medium_10011881004There are moments when the universe hurls signs at you and you still manage to keep ignoring them.

For 2 years, this happened.  It all came to an end a month ago.

Today marks the 25th day of my breakup. I felt more together on day 1.

That night, during the Winter Olympics, these words suddenly escaped my mouth …

“This is not working. We both know this. We can’t do this anymore.”

I never thought I could muster the courage to say these words out loud. Of course, I had rehearsed this conversation for a year on my drives to work, when she deflated my hopes for a fun weekend, when she wouldn’t hold my hand back, and late at night in bed (feeling so distanced) but vocalizing it took on a whole other feeling. One that was unexpected.

Breakups are the most underrated pain – even if you’re the one that brought it on. It’s the kind of I-feel-fucking-crazy then what-kind-of-mistake-did-I-make whirlwind of emotions.

Like others going through the same ordeal, I find myself trying to keep busy, immersed in all kind of healing prospectives (podcasts, self-help articles, meditation, you name it), and at the same time looking for a new place to live, keeping my sanity together at work, and figuring out what to do with our dogs and that Mexico vacation we booked for May.

After combining energies (because you do this in a relationship) with “your person” and building everything that comes with it (the sex, the same dinner spots, to the home you both create), you’re now forced to retrain your thinking on it all.

After 5 years, we just couldn’t get it right. Of course, I’m being kind and I did get hurt (this seems to be an ongoing trend) – there’s so much more to our story.  But, every relationship has a story that deserves its own book.

For anyone going through a their own mind-boggling break up … you’re right, this fucking sucks.

In my search for some kind of inner peace, I find things to temporarily relive my truffle-eating, sad-playlist-listening, and journal-scribbling self. Here’s the latest and a perfect end to my rambling, from one of my favorite sites, Autostraddle.com.  You can find the link here or read below.

“Even though sometimes the world seems about six sizes too small for our pain, the amazing shit is that no matter how deep purple the bruise is, no matter how dark and overwhelming and miserable and worthless it all seems the world will get a fraction of an inch bigger every day.

Really, every fucking day.

And you won’t notice it for a long time until suddenly, one day, it’s only five times too small for your pain and then four and then the world will just keep getting larger and larger in comparison to your shattered heart and eventually it will be able to hold it and then it will outgrow it.

And your pain will be just a speck in your world.

It is supposed to feel like the end of the world right now. That, my beautiful dearest, is how you know that it was worth it. That is why it was one of the relationships that shook your core and after which you will never be the same. That is how you know that you are growing up and are experiencing shit rather than living safely in risk-free choices….

The world is supposed to feel as though it is ending and you are supposed to know only in the most dormant recesses of the backmost corner of your soul that it will not be like this forever.

You are supposed to feel acutely and lucidly that everything is over that your purpose for life is worthless and that not even cheesy pasta and Molly Ringwald movies are going to make you smile, and you are supposed to know opaquely and elusively and abstractly that everything is not over and that your purpose in life is so much huger than you can ever imagine and is still saturated with value and that you will eat pesto and read Stephen Dunn and live in Manhattan and have stacks of waffles at corner diners with girlfriends and spend inordinate amounts of money on bath products and sunbathe on the roof reading trashy novels and you will will will will will will will love again.

I did not think that I was going to be able to ever breathe without shaking again after J broke up with me, let alone successfully love and fuck again.

That is what you are supposed to think.

I cried hysterically for months.

I wept so much that I had stewardesses on planes ask me if I needed oxygen, I had waitresses refuse to serve me, I had strangers approach me with offers of help.

Then I stopped.

Then I started again and stopped again and started again and then stopped for good…

… I promise you will survive, and with more grace than you can now imagine and that you will have more grit and vision because of it.”

photo credit: Free Grunge Textures – www.freestock.ca via photopin cc

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7 thoughts on “Cutting Cords

  1. kristine j says:

    I don’t know if you remember me at all, but we have met. I met your ex…8 years ago or so? We have kept In touch over the years but the texts and random encounters were very few and far between. Anyway, I just want you to know that tonight she said hello for the first time in probably a year and we spoke for a little while. She told me of your breakup, and I was surprised, honesty. Anyway, being the empath I am I immediately felt sad. I can truly relate to the..how did you word it..underrated pain. My five year relationship with my lady ended nearly two years ago now and saying that it literally tore my world apart would be an extreme understatement. To this day, right now I am still on my own personal journey of spiritual growth..healing..acceptance.. and just learning about…..me again..I’m straying, sorry. I got curious and wanted to know at least some of yalls story but I didn’t have the heart to pry so I went to her facebook page and came across an old post of yours. I was curious to see how you were holding up, but I never expected to come across all that I did. I’ve spent the last hour and a half reading your blogs…relating…laughing…they even got me to reminisce about certain situations and some of the pain I felt during them two years back and during the very beginning of my journey…living alone..learning to shop and cook for one..watching what I wanted to watch..sleeping alone.allowing her to keep both labs because I worked twice as much as she and we didn’t have the heart to separate the two, they grew up together. Giving her my bedroom set and sleeping on a fouton for six months…ect..ect..Honestly I’m not sure I realized how far I had come in my journey until I read your blogs tonight and rememberd how it all began. Well..how it all ended and then how this new life began. My “rebirth”
    I just wanted you to know that your writing is beautiful. You’re talented. You touched me tonight. I too write and you’ve got my wheels turning and as soon I put this phone down I will be picking up my pen. Thank you for your blogs. I hope you’re doing well. I hope you don’t mind if I share this passage you shared in this blog particularly, this was my favorite. Again, thank you. And I wish you the best.
    It WIlL all be okay. You are stronger than you know. Some days you’ll know that, but other days you might forget. Its a long..long..bumpy.. windy..seemingly endless road…to healing I mean. But it’s true. You will love again. Have Faith
    – Kristine

  2. Wow, Kristine. Thanks for your honest and uplifting words.

    I’m not a huge believer in “fate” (for me, things happen for specific reasons to guide me on this crazy journey that is life) so it’s refreshing that you stumbled upon my words, even in the way that you did.

    I can wholeheartedly relate to the dog and futon-sleeping situation you experienced and is encouraging that it’s made you … well … a stronger you.

    To keep on keepin’ on …

    B

    • kristine j says:

      ” to keep on keepin’ on.. ”

      It’s Friday, ill cheers to that!

      I believe there is a reason behind every person we meet and connect with in this life. Some will teach you, help you, some will hurt you and some will bring out the best in you. There’s a quote that goes something like that. Anyway I believe we all have a specific purpose and everyone we meet and all that we experience are, like you said, things that happen to guide us on this journey. Its refreshing to see you being able to process and see things so clearly so soon after.
      Anyway I shared the passage from this blog that you found on autostraddle with a very close friend last night who is going through a rough time after her break up. She loved it.

      Its crazy how one person just blogging can reach so many. Keep it up!

      Happy Friday!

  3. Thanks 🙂

    p.s. – Your friend might also find this article helpful …
    http://www.gayrva.com/lifestyle/7-steps-to-survive-your-lesbian-breakup/

    Ok ok, I wrote it but, shit, I read (and re-read) it everyday to help me.

    • kristine j says:

      Hahaha I havnt even opened the link yet, but she’s not gay so it MIGHT not help her in particular but ill absolutely read it once I get off work tonight. I can only assume its good considering you wrote it and all. Its funny you read it over and over to help yourself, I do the same with my own writing and often wondered If that was normal haha but who defines normal anyway?

      Thanks for the link (:
      Ill definitely give you some feedback later!

  4. Tracy says:

    Thank you for the inspiring words I am going through a break up with my wife and the pain is so unbearable at the moment.

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