Sometimes, I can’t believe I’m here.
Now that sadness and anger of my breakup has coursed it’s way through me and flipped my once “safe” world upside down (shit, NOT fun), I’ve started the new and unknown journey on the road to healing.
For the first time, in a long time, I’m connecting back with … me. At the same time, I’m gently healing the parts of myself, damaged by the emotional, physical, and spiritual neglect I experienced in our unstimulating relationship. It’s no surprise we sometimes lose ourselves in our partner. Luckily, I during it, I was somewhat conscious so I didn’t forget myself completely. However, the parts of me that I couldn’t cling to were severely damaged.
I’m starting to come back alive, every day. The more alive I become, the more see our relationship in a different light. The more I see it this way, more I resent her. The more I resent her, the more I try to let it all go and forgive her. This 24/7 cycle is what I call growth, my friends.
Being single is so … interesting. From cooking dinner for one, watching whatever I want, to using my first coin operated washer and dryer at my apartment … this whole “me, myself, and I” thing is settling in.
During this time of self-discovery, I’m not morphing into someone I’m not or distracting myself with people who don’t know the genuine me. I’ve even put some acquaintance-types of friends on pause because they’re not adding support or respect. Their whole “you just need to sleep with someone … that’ll help you get over it” answer is completely … not me. (They should know this, right!?)
The switch from a unit to individual has been spiritual, because I let it be. By using the word spiritual, I mean a deep, blind dive into a sadness-drenched, physically painful, obsessive self-doubting whirlwind and now, the start of my rebirth. The old and the new, stronger me is starting to collide.
One of my favorite things I’ve read (and re-read) is the concept of “Conscious Uncoupling” from Gwyneth Paltrow’s blog, Goop. Although it’s talking about a marriage coming apart, breakups are no different emotionally.
This is some deep stuff and I’ve learned with an open mind, I can understand (of course, not all the time I feel this zen about it all) …
“It seems ironic to say that a marriage coming apart is the cause of something else coming together, but it’s true. Conscious uncoupling brings wholeness to the spirits of both people who choose to recognize each other as their teacher. If they do, the gift they receive from their time together will neutralize their negative internal object that was the real cause of their pain in the relationship. If we can allow ourselves this gift, our exoskeleton of protection and imprisonment will fall away and offer us the opportunity to begin constructing an endoskeleton, an internal cathedral, with spiritual trace minerals like self-love, self-acceptance, and self-forgiveness. This process allows us to begin projecting something different into the world because we’ve regained a missing part of our heart.”
My exoskeleton is shedding everyday and my eyes are opening every hour. One day, they’ll be so open that I’ll be thankful our relationship and breakup crushed my heart and spirit … only for this time.
So, while I’m getting used to the quietness, there’s a strong self-revolution on it’s way. A better me – a little smarter, maybe more cautious but, a mended spirit that’s been broken and beautifully reconstructed. All on my own.